Awarness

I was reading this post: “the fruits of awareness”  and couldn’t avoid to get worried.

I have always gotten worried about what will happen when my son starts school. When he will be “forced” to interact with other kids that might or might not be sensible enough to understand he sees the world different. He feels it different and he reacts to it different to.

I can explain my friends and my daughter friends right now but I can’t explain every single 3 yo he will meet. So I worry.

When I read Wicked I couldn’t avoid but to think about Elphaba as the “different” one in her world. Although her difference was easy to see, she was green in case you haven’t read the book, she was the “different one”. There is this part in the book that made me cry and see what would happen to my lovely little guy when he confronts the world.

Elphaba’s mom’s nanny told her she needed to place Elphy at school, to make her interact with other kids – word apart the mom was hiding the girl because she felt ashamed, not my case at all- The mom was worried that the kids will make fun of her because of he color. ( ” How cruel to inflict the outside world to her!” what Melena, the mom, though), I’m worried the kids will make fun of him because of his personality  as they won’t take the time to know him as awesome as he is – Also Elphy wasn’t talking at all -. The nanny told Melena, the child’s mom,  the next: “..Of course there is cruelty. But Elphaba must learn WHO she is and She must face down cruelty early. And there will be less of it than you expect.”

Nanny :” I have a long-range view of her happiness, and believe me, if you don’t give her the weapons and armor with which she can defend herself against scorn, she’ll make her life miserable”

Mom: ” And the weapons and armor, she’ll learn from the dirty urchins od rush Margins?” ( the school)

Nanny: ” Laughter, Fun, teasing, Smiling”

I love my son. I’m so proud of him. And I’m so afraid for him too.

I can see in his future a damn, sorry, cruel kid making fun of him. A cruel girl rejecting him in her play because he doesn’t get the game.  And I can’t protect him from that. I just can’t.

I also have a daughter and felt terrible last Sunday when she wasn’t able to manage the slipping slide ( the water one) in front of like 5 kids that started making fun of her. But she stand, came to me and decided to play something different with out crying. She is a typical child and she suffered. She felt bad and I felt horrible with her. But she was able to tell me what made her sad.

My son, no idea how would he react. He was feverish that Sunday so he didn’t assist to the party we were in. I’m scared. I’m scare of not been able to get him ready. Or get the world ready for him.

Awarness is so important. That is why I decided to continue the writing of this blog. That is why I decided not been so “in hide” with my son condition. I’m not announcing it to the world, but If someone asks I tell them. “Why so many therapies?” ” Because he is autistic and need those therapies to understand the crazy world he is in” and if they say ” I’m sorry” I ask why?. And then I start telling them the awesomess that is an autistic child and how my world had changed since then.In the other hand I’m so afraid of people reactions

How I stopped judging people just because I see something but I don’t know the real story behind, How I learn to Accept and love everyone as they are, how I can see now a little bit of the marvelous world he can see.

But I get people, I do get them. I can se the frustration in my daughter when she is expecting her brother to react in certain ways, as other kids his age, to her games and he just won’t. She knows he is different and amazing but sometimes I can see in her eyes how she wants him to play with her as she is expecting him to. But of course, she is a mini boss, she is expecting everyone to say exactly what she want us to say, she in fact gives my husband instructions of what and how he has to say good bye in the mornings to her. : ” Dad, you have to say first, have a nice day, then give me a kiss, a hug and then say good bye” If for anything my husband changes the phrase or the order she snaps and tells him he did it wrong. .. I Know I have a perfectionist issue there.. we are working on that one too.  Of course she wants her brother to follow her lead, and he .. well he just doesn’t care.

I’m so scared of the future… :S.

 

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