Down side

Today I’m on a down side. I’m sure is the lack of sleep but that doesn’t change I’m on a down side.

What does that mean? Well, I’m in the denial area of the cycle that comes and goes since we discover what was keeping my son from speaking…. It is faster every time, I mean it doesn’t really take me more than 5 minutes to jump to the following steps and end on the adapt part of the cycle, which now is longer, but still Leaves me in a down side, blue side, depressive one, technically talking not really depression in the whole word sense , just sad, frustrated.

And I don’t even know why.

We went to the park this morning. My daughter, my son, one of the therapist and I. There was a new sprinkler system in the park that my daughter loved. So while she spend the time getting soaked wet with her clothes on and I’m wondering if it was healthy to let a girl that just came out of coxsackie getting wet in the summer sun.. was also watching a little boy that couldn’t be older than mine, in fact was 8 months younger!, walking around my daughter getting wet , been there enjoying the water and my daughter screaming by himself while the mom looked him from the same distance I was looking my daughter.- that is How I knew his age I asked her- .

Couldn’t avoid but wonder why wasn’t  my son there. … And what would happen if he wanted to be there. First I’m sure I would had ended soaked too. As he would have, and needed, me to hold his hand, to make his anxiety level get lower so he could really enjoy the activity… is he going to need me forever?. I have no trouble with be there for him, but wouldn’t this damage his opportunity to be happy?. I don’t want him to be unhappy, but .. damn is so difficult to express.

He spend the morning walking around several areas of the playground, the hterapist made him go to the slide, several slides, 3 or 4 times, he did, really don’t think he enjoyed them. He loved to swing with me in the adults swing “big boy swings” but didn’t want to swing alone. He walked and walked, something that is not totally bad as the orthopediatric ask us to make him walk to get his muscular tone stronger ( apparently is not strong enough).  but.. he didn’t play. And I know he is not a typical kid but did he enjoyed the morning? Was it a torture for him to stay there?.  I know my daughter enjoyed it and I also know she needed it after a week staying in for rain, another week with great weather but coxsackievirus attacking her..  she really needed this morning out. .. but he?.

I’m so affraid I’m not gatting him. at all… So affraid I can make him unhappy because I ignore the better way to approach..

And I need to sleep as I have been awake already for 23 hours. Good night.

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