I’m tired. Mentally tired. Not physically.. Should be physically to as I should be running 5K by now but I stopped jogging. I stop exercising when I get depress. When I should do it the most. Weird. – I might come back to that as soon as the weather changes, it doesn’t help either has been rainy-
I’m tired of thinking. Every single second. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be doing more? Should I be doing less?. Am I following the right path of action?.
I had a talk with a friend. She showed me all what she has read and what she has been doing with her son. I hardly had read that many books about the topic. I had read a ton of information, mostly on line in professional web pages – not just wiki or goggling it either- , I have been reading from people in the same path I am in, and different opinions. Medical trials, medical ideas, not so medical ideas too.
But am I doing the right thing? Is my son really , really , really in the spectrum?. I still don’t think so. I might be the mother in denial, as I normally call myself, but My heart says it. He is not … I can’t avoid to have that feeling. I really can’t.
I think he is fine. And if he is in the spectrum he is probably at the end of it… not in the middle. I keep thinking he is fine.
He has been cranky the whole weekend tough. But I do not blame him. Dad, my husband, is on a work trip, the poor little one has a stomach bug – had-, older sissy has been extremely hiper and talkative the last 3 days. Pretty sensitive too -because she misses daddy..so now she says “i love you know mom, ok? because daddy is not here” ( she normally says she just loves daddy). He has been a hell of bad mood.
We also changed his diet, not related with the stomach bug but it is helping his stomach as he is not taking dairy at all. He has always had a bad mood in specific situations and I normally spect him to be cranky in those .
Like when I woke him up before the time to end his nap because we have to go and pick up his sister from school, then he will be cranky while we are picking her up. I kind of understand that been a person that hates to be awoken before time.
I also have my temper. I’m a hard tempered Woman. I know that. Poor husband of mine. I’m. I accept it, and both of my kids inherited it. I also have a strong will. I do have a big heart. And as I have it I normally feel what I should do. Lately I have doubt of my thoughts too much. But this one I kind of can’t. That Thought Sticks there. stays there… He is fine. He is not in.
I keep accepting the help and therapies as I won’t close those windows for him as I said it before but maybe because I’m thinking that, maybe I’m also causing damage not reading more, not researching or not been more proactive. I thought I was been until I talked with this person. I have been slow, really slow and now I’m worried , more worried if that is possible. I have been worried for months but these last days have been a hell.
I start crying for any single mention of the “case” or related to it. And have to contain myself as I’m normally surrounded by people I like but don’t care to much to be extra-informed about my family issues.